Why Be Good When Your Best Isn't Good Enough?

What a Difference a Year Makes

2009-02-15T02:28:00.002-08:00

I was just reading last year's Valentines Day preblog and here I am doing 2009's post Valentine's Day blog. I am happy to find myself feeling the same. A friend of mine and her boyfriend even brokeup for Valentine's Day (yes even I found that strange, yet at the same time awakening). Why do we rebel so much about a day?

Its not the day that is materialistic, but the people celebrating the day. Do the cards make Valentine's Day materialistic? Do the romantic dinners make the day wrong? I agree if expectation forces behaviour then I do have a problem on the overall process; but, shouldn't we want to give and show love just as I discussed last year?

I even forgot for a few minutes it was Valentines Day and as a friend's girlfriend feverously cooked over a stove for a quiet date night it took myself to remember to get out of there so they could have that night together. I thank those who don't remind me daily I am single and make it comfortable to be in a world where that is so.

Unforgiven Tongue

2008-07-04T15:44:00.003-07:00

I don't know about you but I have this pride factor about being right. It has always existed to a fault. I make it and you are either this way or not. As I've gotten older I've tried to let people know they can think different but when push comes to shove my point is always sharp.

I've been listening to the Timberland song "Apologize" where they say "Its too late to apologize!" The songs starts by talking about a person who yet again has been verbally beat up - like so many of my victims - and then the victimizer turns to them and says sorry. This song mirrors another song I have always loved and believed called "More than Words".

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
Its not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know

More than Words is where the singer takes the right to say "I love you" away from someone and the measures their "love" based on how they are treated. This is sort of juvenile but at the same time I see an opportunity for us to love like we mean it.

What does this mean for me who slipped again? Well I'm confused about what I believed was so hurtful, but I am sorry I hurt someone. If I wasn't at least remorseful then I'd be really scared of whom I've become. The tongue is so powerful as it can lift a person up or cut them in half; consistent action with a controlled "bridled" tongue will show value for another person and help us to remember just what love is.

Valentines Day is Tomorrow, So How Does This Affect Singles Like Me?

2008-02-13T01:15:00.004-08:00

2 Years ago a friend sent me a "Single Awareness Day" t-shirt from Texas. She and all her friends had been making t-shirts as something to do in their singleness. Tomorrow night is our games night and a friend has told me this being the first year of he being single in some time might be staying home to wallow (in his self pity). I must be one seriously screwed up guy, but as much as I would like to have someone to go broke sharing my love I celebrate this opportunity to share love to those who do not have someone (both my guy friends and girlfriends).

One of my favourite songs (Consuming Fire by Tim Hughes) starts out "There must be more than this!" and I agree there has to. If all we are is the love we share with a significant other then HOW SELFISH ARE WE? The world is screwed and we all may as well pack our bags and wait for the end of the world. Valentines Day like Christmas is another opportunity, a reminder, to share love through the little things we do. This is the first year I am not celebrating Lent in about 3 years, yet I seem to be getting with clarity the need for compassion, social just is a much needed thing we too often want to let slide. Probably the best quote of love I have ever heard was "If you see someone in need and have the means to do something about it, but turn a cold shoulder and do nothing, what happens to God's love? It disappears. And you made it disappear."

Today I was talking with a professor friend of mine at the local university and a colleague of his came by and we exchanged pleasantries. What caught my attention most was her reaction when she heard what I did. I can only imagine all the stereotypes going on in her mind. I can only imagine how counter her expectations of a chaplain/outreach worker I was. I hope there was something there in love - something out of the ordinary - I provided to make her day a better day. Its surreal, but that has been my hope for this year in every encounter.

Tomorrow if you are sitting there and are looking for a reason to get up, start with you have a breath and people need you. There is something in you that can bring joy to someone else in word, thought or deed. It may hurt a little to not be exchanging gifts, sharing a meal, or the all famous Valentine's kiss and trust me you are not alone here at all. What I'm suggesting is maybe it is our duty to go out and share love anyways. Let couples celebrate their day (not giving them an excuse to be negligent of others, but let them enjoy each other on this day) and lets share our love in whatever way we can to a hurting and unloved world.

Which Life Would You Choose?

2008-01-31T00:55:00.000-08:00

I am really confused right now because of a statement my mother made: "I do hope something really good happens for you soon - it has been a bit of a negative Winter for you so far!" What would you make of a statement like this?

Here are my last 3 months in a nutshell: my car broke down because of something the previous owners failed to do and let me know about AGAIN, I am finding the work I do stressful due to a lack of apparent progress and the amount of work I put into my work, I had my income halved and student loans came due, I only have two local friends I can talk to about finances who are not struggling in financial debt, I just don't seem to have time to do the cleaning I want around my house, it is warming up to -9 Celcius from the -23 it has been the rest of the week, and most of all I miss certain friends who are amazing support and are out of the country working for a while.

That being said I just found another local group to come along side and partner in the street work I and they currently do, needs are being met and financial opportunities are existing (people helping out and I am getting odd jobs and contracts to pay the bills I need to pay) to a point I may be able to get ahead of the debt load in front of me (how?), I have been able to continue to invest my money monthly (I have not cut back here at all) even though I'm on the tightest budget of my life, I am alive (that has to count for something), I am delusionally happy and satisfied, and people are starting to see my effort and put their trust and support with me - this gives me hope.

My message? Basically I keep landing on my feet. I can't explain it, but by not letting things make me get frustrated, I've found contentment and satisfaction. The things I have been most afraid of all my life have become my greatest opportunities. In this case it is surviving when my parents live so far away, yet here I am still alive and plodding along and seeing successes where I haven't expected. I have found the things I thought I wanted most have became my greatest lessons in why I wouldn't want those things at all in the first place. I am not defined by need OR want, but as a person. I have needs but they are not a drive or control me.

If you told me a month or two before this I would be where I was, I would have dug in tighter and fought the need to let go even harder. I think depression would be an understatement and my existence would be dismal. So am I delusional and crazy? Only time will tell whether this turn is a good one. I am grateful for this change in my expectation and the excitement I face each morning as I get up. Yay life!

Relaxation? What Relaxation?

2008-01-16T01:23:00.000-08:00

What do you do to relax? I have a nice cup of tea on a comfy chair while letting my mind fade into the world and let my temporary worries slip away.....

Okay, now we have left the fantasy world for a second - this 1) doesn't work well or 2) for very long. I have found anxiety can over take me VERY easily if I do not take steps to have control of my life. And these don't always work because I have a hard time saying no to friends and even there they want help or advice. I'm very glad I've come to the realization my advice giving isn't a permanent solution, so listening becomes the priority. Of course listening takes time, so the chance to sit on a chair and sip tea is all but gone now. Besides blanking out during conversations with friends or clients (both are not very appreciative when that happens for some reason), time to myself is a hard thing to do without a personal hobbie.

I recently found a new way to relax. Believe it or not gratefulness. As I read, clean, spend time with friends, work, sleep, walk, drive, listen I am grateful. There are any of a dozen reasons to be miserable at a given moment and my friends are precious to me. As this has happened the particular like of who I call a friend has doubled. My needs and wants have decreased amazingly too. I apologize to all who thought I was evoking some sort of torture as I started downsizing my life and stuff, its VERY rewarding. I've learned much about myself during such a period and I can see it will be a longer process than I first thought since I am not just macro downsizing but micro downsizing as I reorganize and reprioritize each issue.

A wise book says:
Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Imagine that contentment=relaxation. I know some of you will fight me on this and I am sure there is more to this than just being grateful; but here it is me being relaxed.

So Far, So Good!

2008-01-14T14:24:00.000-08:00

So Far, So Good! was the title of Bryan Adam's greatest hits cd from 1993. It was also the first cd I bought when I purchased my cd player from HiFi Express that same year just after I graduated from High School (K if you need the math I'm 32 OK!). Since then I've purchased and parted with thousands of cds - I love music. But that isn't what I've decided to talk about; I'm really interested in the earlier music, the stuff I got on cassette tape in the transition years between records and cd's. In 3 shoe boxes and 1 cassette case I held all of my tapes. Meatloaf's comeback release with the song "I Would Do Anything for Love" or "Objects in the Rearview Mirror"; Van Halen's For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge album (yes, being the naive kid I was missed the acronym sitting before me); Warrant; Damn Yankees; Scorpions; ACDC. The list goes on; each tape had its own memory and each song a specific historical event somewhere in my life.

How do we deal with our history? I mean each of us has a soundtrack running through our skulls of particular music, events, and even world happenings. Still the world turns and we must move on. Why do I bring this up? As I have alluded to in earlier articles I am cleaning up my life through simplification. Though I tend to face life head on I've been finding how much I haven't been dealing with, areas where I just let stuff sit there and gain dust (quite literally if you were to look in some of these boxes). In some ways I've been facing feelings of being a coward, a failure, inept; however, as I've faced these feelings straight on I've found something a bit different.

Because of OTHER faults such as busyness (especially stress from busyness), being overly compassionate (I still ask IS there such a thing), living in the moment, etc I have allowed not dust to collect on my life, but treasures. These treasures are the consequences of the life I`ve choses to live thus far. "For where your treasure is there your heart is also." There is a thought I haven`t been facing in this effort to simplify. I have been beating myself over every box, every item I put on the stack as I let go of my past. To be honest I have cried over some and smiled over others. I remember dancing to Thunderstruck and slow dancing to The Dance. I remember singing Christmas carols in my dad`s truck and rocking out to Bruce Springsteen . Dire Straits sings a song called Brothers in Arms about growing up from to old age and the greatest treasure we will have here on earth. Its not about what we collect or ends up in our boxes, but those who stand by us and help us in our day to day lives, and if we are lucky we get to help them too.

So Who Is I and Where Are My Old Self?

2008-01-13T03:49:00.000-08:00

So here we are at 3 in the morning again after another night of contemplating the meaning of life, and my computer still is giving me visions of a slow swinging sledge hammer. But seriously, if I listen to the USA then life is merely my life, my personal freedoms and the chasing after something making me happy. Call me skeptical but um no! Chasing after doctors to guarantee good health; teachers to guarantee intelligence; bosses to guarantee more money; women to guarantee the chance of companionship. In the starting line of one of my favourite songs, "There must be more than this!"

People pursue God in this same manner. If I go to church regularly and pray sometimes and read my Bible, then I should have food on the table; money in the bank; a roof over my head; good health; a good education; lots of things to entertain myself; a gorgeous companion who thinks about me and my well being.... Are you getting sick too?

This week as I deal with my greatest enemy, no not debt collectors; not well meaning fair weather friends; not addictions; not sin nor Satan; but my pride. My need for things to be there the way I want and the way I expect. The need for me to know and control my own destiny when a chance has been put before me. Yes I need to watch out for busyness, time stealers, and things outside of my control. Yes I need to look after my health, to eat well, sleep better, get some exercise, and think positively towards the world.

My life has been put before me to be person focussed, care for those who don't have the chance to gain a foothold and look to grad at life, to share the weight of life if even for just 5 minutes, to befriend the friendless, and encourage the doubters about their ability to succeed. Here I am in Williams Lake, the place of opportunity where teens, single moms, young adults, the religious or non-religious alike all need 1 thing and that is encouragement and support in their day to day lives. A former resident of Williams Lake once said to see a need is evidence enough you are to meet that need.

With the 5 top youth killers in British Columbia being speeding, alcohol related deaths, not wearing proper safety devises (such as seatbelts), child related cancer, drug related, and suicide why do not more people want to come from larger centers. Well the answer is easy - it hurts less to not talk about it. I never thought I'd shed materialism, commercialism, and my pursuits in order to face the problems of the street, but then I also never pictured giving up clothing, computer parts, and old toys for the sake of space and not for monumental gain. This week as we go out, may our eyes be open and alert to the needs we see around us.

How did I get so dumb?

2008-01-09T02:08:00.000-08:00

"Two are better than 1 because they have a good return for their labour. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one one who falls when there is not another to lift him up."

I look at my life and I think I've learned wisdom, but in fact it I've seen it right in front of me but slipping through my hands like grains of sand. I think I've learned knowledge but realized that I have books upon books of information and know how to research, but knowledge is elusive too. I can reason with the best of them but what I've come to realize is that reasoning, debating arguing has nothing to do with truth but a poor representation of facts that entirely are devoid of truth. So I am forced to ask what does matter but those who call to us when they need help. Our ability to live compassion through helping, listening, smiling, giving.

It is here where we find ourselves. It is here where we become more than just a shallow shell of potential and see the benefits from years of struggles. I truly don't think one person ever had it easy, but what got them there was the lists of people who had their back.

This is a good time to be alive folks and I'm really enjoying 2008 so far. At this pace I'm hoping to be there for 2009 cuz there will that much more in the opportunity side for us all if we keep giving it our all. Good morning and see you in 8 hours world.

The Simple Life

2008-01-08T01:54:00.000-08:00

I reached the wall below my window today with only the Tupperware crypt as I call it left. I never thought I`d ever see floor there again. Now with the 2nd and 3rd boxes full of junk and 2 full boxes of clothing to sort through, I see the chance to reduce what I never needed in the first place. I`m downsizing the wires I have so many of plus miscellaneous tech nicknack's which are taking up space in my computer drawer. I even found a box I`m sending to a friend thats value is undecided but will benefit him more than me.

This all leads me to ask why and how did I get here in the first place. I know I`ve said it before, but I already downsized twice to move and yet here I am reducing the same or more than the total of those two times. There are three stacks of papers I`ve put aside so many times they need to be organized by filing or shredding. I have car parts in my apartment too; I think I failed to mention this. I`m shaking my head realizing how stupid it was not to get rid of what I didn`t want in the first place. Could it be my wants where they needed to be in the first place; could it be I was so distracted by other things my wants caused me to cling to what ever I could and my apathy kept me from doing anything about it.

Well here we are going on 3am and I want to get the next box, but I`ve come to realize I also need to do the other things important to me. Things such as sleep, take my pills & vitamins, eat healthy (I`ve already shed over 15 of the Christmas pounds), exercise (something I`m dreadfully sloppy about doing consistently, especially simple things like stretches). Tomorrow I`ll start the work that is set before me, fixing my eyes on my reward for wanting to work hard, wanting to move forward, and wanting to shed encumbrances. Its in my moving forward I find more energy not growing weary or lose heart.

Finding Myself in the Junk!

2008-01-07T01:01:00.000-08:00

Well I brought down a box full of garbage to the trash today worth of miscellaneous papers and junk and I've barely made a dent out of my boxes and amassed junk.

I threw out 5 of 7 discs of stored information and downsized that info again to less than 1 CD writable worth of information. So not only have I in my efforts to downsize reduced what I have I've been able to reorganize all together. Small 14" LCD monitor or Big Bertha sized 15" flat screened monitor with speakers - I took the LCD. I now have a desk and a plan of attack for the papers on my desk I have to deal with. There we have a living room (except for the garbage box in the middle and the boxes lining the back of the dining room table). My guests will die of shock when they see the improvements around here.

Pulling 1 piece of luggage, putting away 1 pile of dirty laundry and moving 1 box enabled me to see the first 5' of room space in over a month in my room. Looking towards the window there are not as many boxes as I remembered (but never could look to do a real count because of the clutter). The storage room isn't as bad as I remembered either, but still it will be work.

So, there you have it. In 4 days I was able to do what I haven't been able to do since July and that is find our living room; plan my next few months; downsize the amount of junk around the computer desk; organize my computer files; get the computer's RAM functioning to maximum capacity; set up a cleaning schedule for the apartment; setup a grocery shopping list system that works and keeps our costs focussed; figure out where my finances need to be focussed for the next 2 months. Okay, I did not get the letters of support done, but I now have the space to sit down and finish them tomorrow morning. The first run to the thrift store with material is tomorrow and I might feel remorseful after parting with items then but for now I celebrate in the gigabytes of information deleted, kilograms of paper recycled, and square footage I now can say exists on my desk, in my living room, and one can experience when they first enter the apartment.

Clutter and the Unnecessary

2008-01-05T01:34:00.000-08:00

Clutter we all have it. A book I was reading described clutter as "every encumbrance and that which so easily entangles us". Wowzers I'm in trouble. There is so much I have let into my life in the ways of papers and clutter I cannot even move around my apartment or through my storage space downstairs.

Tomorrow I shall seek to reduce what I have so when those who I know come over they can visit without tripping over all I have collected over the years (and quite truthfully what my parents have collected for me). I downsized twice before moving into my apartment, but still there is all this STUFF I just don't need. Books from courses I have kept only because I liked a page or it helped me to feel smart for an accomplishment or 2 along the way during my education; clothing I haven't worn in over a year and truthfully only have because someone gave them to me and I don't want to offend; gadgets I might use some day (oh no I'm sounding like my father and grandfather... can I claim genetics on this slight struggle?).

There are also, I hate to admit it, vices I have all over my place. Pictures of girlfriends long gone; books I only have to look smart (I confessed that already); magazines from hockey and technology; school and government material over 8 years old; papers upon papers of useless facts. Tomorrow I shall be visiting both dumpster and recycling bins for most of the day and I celebrate about the idea of freedom from the unnecessary in my materialistic past and the opportunity to experience the joy of SPACE. To down size and move in my room again - what an awesome, amazing thought. :)

Its a new year (2008), so now what?

2008-01-03T08:23:00.000-08:00

Was last year a waste? I gradded; fumbled my way through a job as I created my dream job; ended the year realizing I didn't lay a big enough foundation onto my dream job (I merely lived as though I was doing my first month getting acquainted with the job); I struggled with being a friend to those who needed one (and if you are reading this I am truly sorry!); I fumbled with my finances - every month I ended with zero dollars.

This year I have a new motto - I am ready to be surprized by the unexpected or better phrased I want to expect the unexpected. My character does have to shift (as do my eating habits - I realized that this morning as I found out my mother's scale isn't too far off). One of my favourite passages tells me I have to love others because I have been loved FIRST. There is no time for apathy, I must embrace change. I have to not only build the foundation I failed to build in my job, but now I have to start making sure there are roots there too (sorry John I'll start emailing reports). I cannot let the circumstances going on around me be excuses for non-action (broken computers, piling reports/assignments, one friend demanding on me, another I have to chase down, events not going the way I planned them - cummon THIS IS LIFE).

I have people who have stood by me this past year and I have no idea why they did. I thought I was ready to move past certain situations of stupidity and found new ones. I thank those who had patience with me and I am thankful I have the faith and understanding to not give up.

I received this cute ideal for the new year. Read it. If you don't believe in God sorry if it offends, but try to read it anyways and read around the "God" quotes.

AS WE BEGIN 2008

Some thoughts to guide us during this new year....

1. Faith is the ability to not panic.

2. If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry.

3. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home every day.

4. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

5. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.

6. Do the math. Count your blessings.

7. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

8. Dear God: I have a problem. It's me.

9. Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.

10. Laugh every day. It's like inner jogging.

11. The most important things in your home are the people.

12. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.

13. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.

14. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

15. We do not remember days, but moments. Life moves too fast, so enjoy your precious moments.

16. Surviving and living your life successfully requires courage. The goals and dreams you're seeking require courage and risk-taking. Learn from the turtle -- it only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.

17. Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

Life is Hard

2007-05-11T11:48:00.000-07:00

Life is hard and that is why I made this blog. I wanted to discuss the difficulties we all face as we go through life. I have grand plans and to be honest they are all doable but right now I'm in financial straights until my pride, my luck, or just some crazy wild thing changes.

As it goes my parent's house will be sold by months end (though they seem to struggle with getting people through the door, as hard up as I am about losing the house I grew up in I am absolutely devostated for my parents and want the best for them and for this sale to happen). That being said I will be homeless and dumpster diving and living in a cardboard box doesn't appeal to me. I've now put out about 7 resumes in my field of education (youth or psychology training), 4 in banks, and a few into minimum wage positions. Following up regularly and looking at job boards is starting to depress me. To make matters worse I have a job interview to deliver papers (as if this process isn't humiliating enough).

I have a place to stay the moment I land a job (any job). And then I can turn my attention from myself to why I came back to Williams Lake (where I grew up) to start developing support groups of outreach for 15-25 year olds. Its not I haven't started, infact I'm in the office of probably my biggest supporters right now writing this during my lunch hour. My buddy Corwin rocks and I have no idea how you stay focussed with the faith to know it will be alright while knowing it is all alright as you purpose, plan, prepare, and work out the areas in your heart you know to be true.

Blah, money money money I don't care about it but my life always comes back to it. There are so many other things I would love to focus on over and above this burden. If there will be provision let reveal itself; if I need to work harder may the guilt necessary to push me harder come.

I Grad on Friday

2007-04-23T12:53:00.000-07:00

I am freaked out of my mind. I have worked every night and most of the days for the last 3 weeks and I still have 3 papers left. ARGHHH! My first final is tomorrow (I have 2), so I left myself with 4 finals in 2 days. Joy I am a smart one :P. Time has become something I've come to value - how does one make the most of every moment?

I can easily say I'm looking forward to freedom beyond Summit Pacific College. How can I live so I am not codependant on anyone? How can I live so I am an honest contributer to community and not a sponge?

The fasts I've endured this semester have shown me self control - something I believe I've lacked all along. These fasts have also shown me how easy it is to lay down anything that could be a vice in my life and how to assess if it is. How does one surrender time without death? I surely hope to find out in this life...

I apologize this isn't a witty briliant essay, but mere ramblings of one near the end of his schooling and feels entrapped by cement walls of my own creation that have hardened with poor usage of time. I pray I can make it; I know I can make it. My next blog shall be when I am free of my prison and I pray I not forget the self inflicted pain I now endure.

The Next Fast...

2007-04-09T01:42:00.000-07:00

So its one week after my caffein and sarcasm fasts. I think I'm addictied to fasting because I'm already considering my next 40 day fast. Control is the issue and I think by understanding where I lack control these fasts will not be necessary. What will I fast? computers; flirtation; all desserts and snacks? The choices are huge so I'll consider my options. Who knows maybe I'll fast procrastination to get my courses back on track so I graduate on time!

Its rough, but I'm sure I'll figure out something. I've really enjoyed the comments from those who supported me during my caffein fast and have to say I was thankful for the support. That being said, I have a bag of Serious Coffee Beans on my desk right now next to a jar of ground McMillan Blend Roasted Beans. One can't go wrong there. But in all seriousness I'm concerned that there hasn't been a day where I've gone without coffee, so maybe that is somewhere I'll need to watch closer. I have been honoring the rules of drinking coffee I've set out for myself - no drinking for a buzz or because I need energy, no drinking on mass in presence of other caffein addicts, and no drinking in the presence of those who I don't know if they are an addict or not.

Oh well I need some brain cells left and lots of hope because my home stretch is coming soon and classes are almost over. I will be a grad and I can't wait to stretch my legs and freedom in a place not school. I guess I'll write again this week and we'll see where I go on my future of fasts.

So its Over and I'm 32!

2007-04-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

My caffeine fast ended this morning, though I'm yet to have a cup of coffee. I'm waiting for my friend Mike to make me a cup from the beans he roasts himself. YAY! I'm starting with good coffee. I am right now enjoying my herbal tea as I type this and get ready to get back to work. Amazing, no cravings but the freedom to enjoy caffeine should I want.

I have to say freedom is where its at, but we don't seem to get to freedom until we first suffer. I'm allowed to be sarcastic again but I think I'll see how long I can hold out. I still stumble and find myself weak when I'm tired; proving the words coming from my mouth don't reflect a healthy heart.

I've decided to start running the rest of my weak areas through 40 day fasts and seeing if there is a chance to change; my life and social issues freeing myself within by getting a hold of each issue. I'm understanding self control better; 31 years to do so but I'm still not sure about mastery. Self control will come with the continual fasting of areas I've allowed to dominate. I'll have to meditate on the idea of further fasts and see where it brings me.

The next few weeks is writing and studying. I'm amazing how close to graduating I am and still uncertain about how the coming year will unfold. I will go home and have one more garage sale to minimize the clutter in my life and work on the hard part of keeping friends while creating a balance between reading, working, and street work. Somehow money seems somewhat mythical to me right now even though I have a job. Well one stress at a time and laughing will keep me from allowing overwhelming doom to dominate. My room is a mess, but this is an issue I cannot touch until tomorrow. Hehehehe - life is a joy!

28 Days into a 40 day Fast

2007-03-20T19:53:00.000-07:00

Today was a very hard day for me. I had to face my worst enemy in all my addictions and bad habits - myself. Whew! Credential interviews today and I did okay, but lots caught me off guard. I guess when I did my pretest I misread the multiple choice and where I thought it said circle the best choice it meant to circle all that applied, so they retook me through the ENTIRE multiple choice section. When we were done there the rest is a blur as we got into the personal side of my life. I think I did okay but being done 5 minutes early was a tad unnerving compared to the standard.

Here we are 28 days into a caffein/sarcasm fast. The sarcasm is starting to come under wraps which is tres cool! In a bunch of days (12) I get to have coffee again and I plan to have with the same discretion I might alcohol or cold remedies. Lets put it better - "There's a time and a place for everything under heaven." It will be joyful to be off of this fast, but the experience has been AMAZING.

Now to do the near impossible - WRITE PAPERS!

Fast - Halfway Point

2007-03-15T13:24:00.000-07:00

It is surprising how fast this fast has gone. I am now 22 days into a 40 day fast on ALL caffein products and sarcastic tendencies. The caffein is under control - I accidently tricked myself into eating chocolate when I wasn't aware, but spit it out when realized what it was I was ingesting. The sarcasm I still have my slips but they are more when I'm tired and frustrated and far and few between now.

In just the last week I have been seeing how important people are and how important grace is in functioning in our humanity. Just today I got stuck in a discussion on whether it is right to remarry after you are divorced. I got mad but man I was crying inside that someone would be devalued down to rules instead of looking at their circumstance.

I have taken up watching the series "Heroes" on NBC and on one of the last episodes there is a father and daughter discussion on her adoption while he tries on glasses. She feels abandoned and alone when she realizes the man she called "father" was not her biological father. He handles it so amazingly "We're your real parents. We don't know who your biological family is, but we are your real family . . . What makes us real isn't where you come from its how much we love you. And we love you very much. I love you very much. You didn't grow inside your mother, you grew inside our hearts." Claire then reaches for a set of glasses and tells him to put them on and he asks how he looks and the answer Claire gives says it all - "Like my dad!"

There are so many times when we try to put boundaries out to protect us - things like rules, hedges around our hearts, language, or even how we act. When we do this without looking at the hearts of those around we miss out. I think we forget why we exist as humans and not any other creature who might survive better than we do. We exist for our humanity and for others. No set of tasks, great writing, nor art piece can replace that fact and sometimes they even diminish our connection to others. I'm still not certain what like will look like after school, but if it doesn't include my humanity with others I don't want a part of it. I've looked at commerce and materialism as a dragon in my life I have to keep re-evaluating; I've looked at what I take in and what comes out of me as things I MUST control; the answer though is my humanity and I must have that if I am to survive and be something of worth to others.

Fasting, My Brain on Tests and Other Things that Make You Cringe

2007-02-23T15:50:00.000-08:00

I started a fast from sarcasm and caffein 3 days ago. What does this mean? I means no caffein or sarcasm for 40 days which ends on April 2nd, 2007. I chose the 2 because they each represent a problem in my life one is an addiction of things I put in my and the other is an addiction of things coming out of me Simplified, caffein represents how I've failed to tame my body and I've let addiction take control and my body dictate what I feed it.; sarcasm represents how far my heart and mind have gone and I've failed to curb them to a point where I have to start at what comes out of my lips and work back towards my mind and then my heart (I only pray I have mind control after 40 day).

How have I done so far? Well the caffein is easy to keep out and I have had to start napping to get my engergy back up, but its good. Sarcasm while I've been fighting this energy zapping is difficult though sarcasm has left my lips three times, I've had to stop and reflect on 5 other times my mind has thought it. This will be my hardest battle and I knew that going in.

The fact I chose to do this on lent and during midterms another headach unto itself. The good news is midterms are over - JOY OH JOY! Think about this I don't have to write another midterm unless I want to... wait a sec I wrote the last 6 semesters worth because I wanted to... Go figure. The battle is better from here on (I only have 9 things do do between now and then paper wise - the best part is I'll have 2 of them done before tomorrow, so don't worry).

As when I've fasted food in the past I've noticed that I notice things more. Is that natural I don't know - without coffee the smell of ground coffee is YiYiYi (or as the French say it OHlala!) and the taste I know will be even better should I chose to taste another taste from the April 2nd on. I've started reading again a book that I haven't read for my own ENJOYMENT in a long long time, the Bible. I've discovered that as many choose Luke or Matthew or Paul as their inspired writes of the New Testament I'm so drawn to John. If you read his books you read his views on grace, love and people AND the measure it takes to love God; this was also the guy who after evangelizing a city walked out with disgust and asked Jesus to shower meteors down on it. I could get into this guy a heart like no other, but still faces the frustrations and needs to be showered grace as he learned wisdom and if you read 1st, 2nd & 3rd John you'll see he learned wisdom.

I promised this would never be a Bible lesson, so let me tell you more about this coming week. It is Spring Break, so time for me to write, play, and play some more. I'm excited about that. I hope to see my sister but that is depending on there being someone to take my work shifts. Life is good and I feel good and think good right now. I hope you are all doing well! Please reply and let me know what is going on....

1 Week Later....

2007-02-19T15:50:00.000-08:00

Well my computer works (sort of), my job is good, I love my classes (and now for the challenge - learning to love my teachers), and friends are amazing... just need to remember that they are people with emotions... :S.

Lent is approaching (Wednesday) and I'm struggling as to what I should give up? Addictions I have a few: caffein, my computer, sarcasm, and talking. I'm strongly considering sarcasm and caffein for 40 days. That would take care of 2 of the greatest parts that work against me - a drug and a communication hindrance. My goal, go without coffee, pop & other caffein items until I have this under control again and have eliminated it as an addictive property but a choice in my life - 21 day plus 19 to figure out caffein; With sarcasm its the chance to look at how I communicate and closer analyse my speach patterns. The overall goal is to develop a stronger understanding of God as I fast from those 2 parts of my life.

I faced my first hard choice as I chose not to see Ghost Rider a film I grew up reading the comics for. I also had to decifer my need for computers versus my wants for computers and have set some stronger boundaries realizing the people will always come first in this place. I just started reading a book by Henri Nouwen on helping people - I love Henri Nouwen's biography as he was an established Priest who taught at Yale & Harvard who gave up the status to become a chaplain at L'Arche Daybreak a community for mentally handicapped people who would NEVER understand let alone appreciate his credentials.

This is one week since I first started the pondry of "what is my life?" and "how to I want it to look?". The findings are small, but the change is there. I made some other commitments like focussing more on my studies and doing more actions to reflect why I am at school. So far this week I've found tonnes of distractions that when I have passed by them left me wondering if I should have engaged and could I have made a difference or were they just as I treated them, a distraction and taking me away from what I'm trying to accomplish.

I still don't know "where to go from here?", but I am still looking and still excited about the process. Your thoughts?

2 Month Gap

2007-02-12T13:02:00.000-08:00

"Whats up?" they ask. "Why don't you write?" they ask. I'd love to tell you it was because I didn't have something pithy to say; I'd love to say I was off slaying dragons; but I can't. I was getting bogged down in the mundane. Job, school, people, people problems, bills, BLAH.

A wise writer once wrote "Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and everything what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless . . ." My failing computer (meaningless); classes without taking the substance from them (meaningless); my job without enjoying the time I'm there (meaningless); my friends without enjoying them for them (meaningless). I'm not meloncholic, but I am introspective right now. I'm relooking at what I have AND why I have it. I have amassed things that are just things and partly why I was so willing to remove most the stuff from my computer and near crash it into a non-recoverable state. I swore I'd never smash CD's for their moral significance, but I found myself crushing and smashing disks of illegal software, mp3's and ripped movies.

I found myself asking a well read missionary my own age for recommended books that went beyond standard post-modern thought and would actually challenge my mind and thoughts and help me to focus beyond the fuzzy warm confirmation of my thoughts and feelings. I had to redefine why I was taking the final 3 classes of my degree. Was it because I had to?; was it because I was fact finding?; was it to glean wisdom and experience from my prof?

Sorry I know this isn't very thoughtful, just I don't know what to write. My ideas are turned around from offence to support; my plans have ceased to be agressive but more group introspective with lots of patience; I don't know what to expect, but still I expect something; I feel helpless, yet still I feel matured . . . A key figure in my history text said "Where do we go from here?" and I agree.

Cummon folks lets blog, let think and lets expect....

The Morning of....

2006-12-15T07:42:00.000-08:00

Here I go again on the road once more having not slept a wink. Blah what is with this obsession of not sleeping before a trip. Yes I'm excited to get home, but man I organized my room all night packed for 30 mins and cleaned the bathroom for 30 mins. I washed laundry leaving only my whites to do when I get back. Every spec meets college requirements without a slip. All power is out all windows closed, everything clean (and even inviting and ORGANIZED so I can find it when I get back.

Just awaiting my ride who isn't even up yet :( Cummon where are you?!? Its funny and sad. I have no idea how I do it. Boxes are sealed, fan is off and coffee pot disconnected. Cafeteria cup hidden, pills packed. Now to feel Christmassy... does one just shift or does it happen gradually?

I'm bringing next semester with me so I'm not making a clean break from school. Wow our president won't be here when I come back and 2 of my friends on staff will be leaving right after my graduation. Okay world here I come.....

Policy but not humanity

2006-11-25T20:14:00.000-08:00

How do you deal with change? I guess I get to accept it and try to learn from it...

This week I was given quite a blow to my ego. A policy at my school requires me to spend my last semester at school or else they will not graduate me. The reason is sound - they have too many people who have not completed their degrees, so in order to keep the grad numbers up they require everyone to spend their last semester in classes here. Upon further research I found, this policy is enforced in several colleges throughout Canada and after going through the various levels of government at my school they will not bend for me. I was even told they do not care about the fact I will have to futher my debt in order to stay (it was "not a justified reason to allow you (me) to leave").

It is hard to think of because I had already started to think of home and what that would mean to me over the next 6 months. The idea of being at home means having a job where I'm making and keeping money instead of steadily giving into a bottomless pit. I'd finally be paying off my student loans and reducing the number of people I pay off (because I fall under an old and new system I have 4 loans through 3 creditors), instead of having to talk to them regularly and arrange to get annoying paperwork that they'd have anyways stating I'm at school. With the money I used to get ahead with I'd be working myself into my own place, so I can have a home office and place bigger than a dorm room to entertain, cook for myself and be in different rooms with the peace of knowing who might walk in. I was excited to be home working with the youth I know and miss so much (there are certain ones that I've put time into helping that are just reaching a point of HELPING me out, imagine that). I was talking about ideas that have been brewing for years finally coming to fruition and I was going to get to play a role in these areas I've sweated, dreams, and prayed over. The biggest gap is friends that I value SO much and I hate saying goodbye to them everytime I have to go off to school. I hate having to arrange a time so we can talk over the phone or MSN. I am so ready to go home and call it home!

Instead this means to me back on student loans. I so detest debt. I will have to have a job or else I won't be able to afford stuff since student loans reorganized its priorities on how to HELP people with their funding (they cut 5,000 a year out of people's loans because they felt that the amount distributed was too much though it was at the bare minimum of tuition and books -no one could afford to live and many needed to find jobs on top... now I have several friends who won't be back in semester 2 cuz they spent most their year long lones in semester 1... way to go government!!!). This means getting a job (of which I officially got my first of possible 2 today washing dishes for 14-20 hours/week on Wednesdays & Weekends) and rebalancing what could have been a sane schedule for the first time in my life. I will be taking 3 classes - the least in my life but with the added work I just lost out on the chance to enjoy them. The biggest of course is putting off plans I had in developing opportunities for me as I go out into the real world - the post school world.

I'd be remiss if I didn't point out the few positives given to me by those glad I'm staying. There is very good sushi places down here and none at home and my sushi addicted friends are excited I'll get to be here for that (though I work on the all you can eat days). There are boundless places to go for coffee and only a few solid places back home (that being said the number of coffee addicts is directly related back home). I will have more time to put into my coastal friends before I leave. Some this is bad, some this is good. Finally my personal growth can muster through this safe place of refuge. In some ways I still need to figure out stuff where I'm safe to be me and others I need the real world to struggle with and make my peace with. Oh and I'd be dumb if I didn't mention 2 others: the chance to do 1 more Lan Fest (a week of networked computers, endless games, and eyes melting out of your head) and my last security detail at Spark - a preteen retreat (I'd better train a replacement this year as it is my last patrol. I thought last year was but the guy I trained never came back - Graham grrr).

There is my thought of my change of plans in a nutshell. I so hope it doesn't change too much more!

WOW Nov 12 - 1 month til go home and start anew

2006-11-12T22:29:00.000-08:00

Its 1 month til my parents get back into the country and 1 month til I write my last final at Summit Pacific College. Its frighteningly exciting. The vision of being out there is kewl and I'm amazed that I even got this far, yet looking back remember how naive I was that I would get this far so easily. I have decided that I WILL NOT return next semester as I'm ready to struggle into life again.

This week I'll be back on my 4.5 hour nights until Friday when I'll get a good nights sleep. Saturday I'll be back with my Urban Omega friends and helping some friends with their doctrine paper. I am planning on writing my Pneumatology final on the 6th of December, so 3 weeks to study. Til then I have 10 papers - 4 of which I will have finished by Friday. 3 of them by the 24th and 3 of them by the 1st of December. Freedom oh freedom you smell so sweet. This Thursday I have a meeting with John Engles on a UCM position at some satilite campuses of BC universities.

Do expect me to blog on how much I plan on killing myself for being so bold as to put this in print on Friday ;) (chuckles). Even more exciting is the idea of going home to my kids at the Youth Group and seeing the opportunites at the Puddle as we explore new ways to run a youth group. I'd love to write something depressing but I can't... I'm too excited seeing the end approaching.

Best wishes to all and to all a good night!

Crunch Time

2006-10-30T01:16:00.000-08:00

Joy oh joy! Yup 1 month to go... too much to do. Thanks to a mindless bet I will be going the next 2 weeks without coffee until all my class stuff is done. 1 interview, 1 chart, 1 full youth assignment, 3 book reports, and 2 major papers LEFT. My focus is a tad bit clearer now we have removed coffee from my diet (whimper).

The good news is that I'm actually considering coming back if my student loan is big enough for my last semester (point gun and head and fire). Instead of acting like a grownup and going out into the real world this will reduce stress by forcing me to be here 1 semester longer (endure choir, loud girls above, rules, etc). That is all up to student loans, my ability to land a job and if I ever get off my butt and ask barista girl out ;)....

Anyway cheers and I now go to bed to ready myself to the challenge.

Caffein Crush: Barist girl? Barista girl? Where for art thou barista girl?!?...

2006-10-23T18:28:00.000-07:00

So what do you do when you realize that along with your addiction to caffein you love the woman who serves it? I know it sounds sick - I'm still reeling from it and to be honest I'm still confused after confessing to my friends who haven't stopped teasing me. Everytime I would go in and talk insistently for a while to one barista at my local coffee stop, but its gotten personal and I don't know how to describe it.

The overall feeling is about as wrong as computer dating (but that hasn't stopped me from experimenting with that until enough haywire screwup meetings made me want to stop - oh and the standard list of crazy women to which you would get a restraining orders). I just googled the "coffee crushes" and found out I'm not alone. Is this good or bad? I've talked to several men who flirted with their waitress and to their pleasent surprise were missing a drink from their bill and added a phone number, but there is something different about developing an enfatuation to someone with an outgoing personality bound behind a counter.

Will I go forth and ask her out? Even my female friends are saying to but still there is a reluctance. Lets face it, inspite of the changes in harassment law, women are still getting hit on at all the wrong times: the drunk hitting on his bar waitress, the Denny's waitress paying the college bills having to tollerate the insomniac breakfast crew and now there is a whole new batch of "creeps". I'm sad to think I could be one of them.

I'b god a COWD! - True confessions of an insomniac

2006-10-08T21:23:00.000-07:00

Man its 2 weeks of just joy - everyone loves being sick right! Last week I had to quit drinking coffee and deal with the stress issues in my life to help me in my sleeping patterns - not wanting to go to bed until 3am is natural right? Of course the result is a need to nap at 2pm every day (okay sleep) until dinner time.... This week it was you guessed it a cold - as the stress left and my immunities came back I got the cold that has been circulating the dorms and it hit me nice and hard. I beat it into submission and it did not become a sinus infection but was not careful enough and get to enjoy the end of this stupid chest cold (how many more days of cauffing can there be?)

Sickness sure slows you down and this past week in class I found out though the stress is gone I've got several markers indicating I'm carrying the world again (or trying to). According to the ProQOL: Professional Quality of Life Screening I am alittle out of the healthy range right now in my Compassion Satisfaction. I am more than double the mean (and 17 out of the healthy range) on Burnout. Most importantly I found that carrying OTHER PEOPLE'S loads I have a Compassion Fatigue of 27 and the mean is 13 and the healthy range ends at 19. I plan on retaking the test on the 19th and commenting on my change in scores (in 2 weeks of the 4 needed to be looked at for this test).

The lesson - I'm going to be more heartless! Yeah, right! Like I could be if I tried. I'm going to make sure that my pains are being shared (hopefully not my sicknesses). I've started admitting what I can't do anything about and if I'm finding myself in areas I can't help and know they need it making sure the pains are being passed on to SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP. The other thing I've had to realize is my volunteering (who is just me), schooling, and friends are all part of who I am and it is ME who is responsible for making them work. Its said in some wisdom - "Sometimes you are the window and sometimes you are the bug". I realize sometimes I'll be working near burnout, but how I work and the friends I keep that keep me from fading away.

Reminiscent

2006-09-21T01:00:00.000-07:00

Where did the time go? I remember some of my childhood. I remember being a teen. The twenties were a blur and now I'm 30ish :D. I'm listening tonight to music that existed BEFORE most of the people at my college did (and I heard it when it first came out and loved it then). Here comes "Love Walks In" by Van Halen. (Deep sigh)

I have dreams for the future but my past seems to act like a boat anchor dragging and slowing me down. I miss those moments - pain and good. I miss the people who are gone: Kyle Mackenzie; Jeremy Nelson; Bill Albiston; Grandma and Grandpa. I miss the naive innocence that I once had - even if it was shattered by 2 rounds of cancer and way too much death. I even miss being a geeky guy who couldn't get a date to save his life (if I could have back the facts of life I just don't want to be carrying).

I walk around a society today that has lost its innocence also, but without going through the pain I have. I remember the first shuttle disaster and now we've lost 2 more since then. The USA has been bombed in Urban North America. Conspiracy theory is the staple of society and Theology is the pivot on which it hangs. Though the Theology exists within a culture that is still foreign to me 10 years into it...

I would not trade my relationship with God for 1 second, but still I miss my friends; I miss the bliss of naiveness; I miss feeling safe to make a fool of myself instead of the responsibility my decisions now carry. Am I ready? I believe so, but feel so inadequate doing this without someone who values the vision I carry. I only hope that once I start sharing this vision post school I can release some of this weight for the weight of follow through. Then I'll have future and something more to look back on should I need.

Why Be Good?

2006-09-12T13:48:00.000-07:00

Wow I must be stressed lately. In 2 days I have had to undo everything I've done in 2 days :P Its amazing my character because many people thought it was natural for me to behave that way. That way was loud and annoyed at the world - I'm 31 and I already sound like a 40+ year old Sociology prof... GREAT grrrr. Hahahahaha.

I've started an excercise program this week and reversed my days so I'm getting up earlier, but still I admit it - I HATE BEING SINGLE (and being around so many beautiful women)! And maybe there is the rub, acting like a jerk and disattracting beautiful women who will never think of me as much more than a big brother. Seeing my little sister just get married didn't help much either.

Another thing this is rubbing me the wrong way is looking at how much I thought I would have learned at school by now and how much speculation I'm allowed to leave into the real world with. I felt better prepared (yes falsely, but) coming out of a Bachelor of Arts at UCC than this and I've had 2 internships and just 1 semester left. I feel like a fact filled person being put out into a naive world, but having all the wrong facts. Its frustratings - maybe I haven't asked the right questions or maybe I'm just scared to be out on my own after flopping the first time.

Then the big issue - 31, single, 2 degrees, no car, no house and BROKE. I look at those facts and just think LOSER. I'd have more potential being put back to coming out into the world in 1999 and getting to face it again with my life experience than facing it now. Maybe I'm supposed to be single and near empoverished my whole life to help those on the street (but I keep thinking different on all accounts). God let there be someone out there who will put up with me and push me while I work to keep us not broke, so we can have a house (even if its a small one), a car (oh a Swift is heaven on wheels), and share the adventure of life with me.

(It goes without saying that I'd treat her like a queen, get in trouble for dipping into the car/vacation account to buy her roses and take her out for dinner just cuz... and just listen to the beauty of what she has to say - her ideas, dreams and wishes....)

Procrastination

2006-09-10T23:38:00.000-07:00

Why is it always near the end that the littlest task seems so heavy. I mean its a stupid paper that in the end won't kill me but at the same time it is the same work I've always had to do (research, structure, inspiration, and output shear brilliance). Maybe the brilliance is starting to fade with age, or maybe I'm nervous about the idea of stepping out AGAIN on my own, since the last time didn't go so hot.

Just to note I have 3 papers and 3 courses are done (29 pages) then there are just 9 courses left. Of course there is just 2 major papers (24 pages), 1 minor paper (5 pages of q & a) and 2 tests and 2 more of those courses are dust. Then there are the 4 courses this semester and then 3 left and of course I've started 1 of that 3 (which should be done by semester's end) leaving 2 for January and February (extra curricular fun).

If you followed all that you'll see how I feel - I'm screwed.... but that just gives me another reason to procrastinate! So here I go to finish those first 3 papers which is all I can look at now.

Mumblings of a tired insomniac

2006-05-16T03:56:00.000-07:00

Well I've come to face it I'm an insomniac. Its 5 to 4am and I'm not even tired. In 30 minutes I'll sleep and require 10 hours sleep, but right now I'm not tired. Whats there to do in the wee hours of the morning well - type a blog and ... yeah it is so lame.

All my friends are sensible and asleep. Man this sucks. Anyway I'm going to go count sheep counting sheep under the hope that the confusion will knock me out....

G'morning.

Why is the the only thing worse then being worked to death NOT HAVING A JOB?

2005-06-02T22:10:00.000-07:00

Well here we are 1 month and a few days into the off school season and here I am STILL without a job. Some good leads mind you but no action :( It is seriously messed how one can put out that many applications and I just got my first and only rejection letter yesterday.

It really puts into perspective how much work is necessary for the human spirit. I have taken up hiking and even increased my volunteer hours, but having a place to go and a purpose towards my goal of finishing school is what keeps me driving forward.

I've considered that something is saying wait for now, but the nagging feeling of purpose makes me feel blah. What should I do? What can I do? Grrr what more is there to do? I hope that we will be an answer soon, but hey I take it in stride. Just wish the ones I love understood my frustration and would quit building on it.

In the Czech Republic

2005-05-08T11:43:00.000-07:00

Hey guys I just wanted to update you and say that I am having an awesome time in the Czech Republic! This missions trip will definately change my life...and already has!

Jeremy

It's lonely in here!

2005-05-06T07:18:00.000-07:00

Hey! Where are you people?!?!

Well, I took my last final of the semester yesterday, and boy am I feeling free!!

Looking back on some of my entries over the past couple months, it's interesting to see how far I've come in working through some crazy drama. I just want to say I appreciate everyone's prayers, encouragement, and friendship. Praise God for loving me! And Praise God for healing, and insight, and friendship, and just everything!

I hope everyone is off to a wonderful summer break! I don't have many big plans, and I still have to work, but I'm glad for the break from school at least! =D

~Laura

Sensitivity

2005-04-19T18:43:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about sensitivity lately. It really sucks to be sensitive sometimes, you know? Like if you have sensitive skin, for example, you have to always be so careful-buy specific moisturizers, makeup, sunscreens, and really pay attention to it or you'll look and feel like a dragon! (or worse!)

And if you have sensitive emotions, oh no, you're really in trouble! Heart so easily given...and broken. So hard to bounce back when someone hurts you. Life's a soap opera.

But I was thinking....I'm actually going to school to learn how to be MORE sensitive! More sensitive?!?! Am I crazy?? But I guess it's different, because I'm learning to be more sensitive to other people instead of myself. I'm learning to look outside myself and my own jumble of emotions, problems, decisions on what kind of soap to buy.

I'm a pretty sensitive person already. I care about people, perhaps too much, and I've always been concerned and have wanted to help others with their problems. But lately I've been thinking that I still have a ways to go.

Maybe I'm just becoming a democrat (don't tell my parents!!) but today I found myself wanting to and actually speaking words of comfort and support to a classmate who recently had an abortion. A brave soul to tell her story to the class, she was concerned that we were going to judge her, to which I replied,

"How could we judge you?" How could I judge her?

Oh man, this goes against everything I've stood for. Abortion. Taking the life of another human being. ...Murder.

For the same amount of time I've been mourning the loss of a self-centered, emotionally-unavailable boyfriend, she's been mourning the death of a child.

I think it was in understanding her. Understanding her situation. I don't know. I'm not saying I'm changing my position on the issue, but you know what? I found myself thinking she made the right decision, yet mourning with her because it wasn't the decision she wanted to make.

Still, I'm shocked at myself. How could I be so non-judgmental? So considerate? Encouraging even? How could I even care? This is NOT what I'm being taught at church.

So...........Being sensitive hurts. It's pretty difficult all-around. I'm starting to find out that it may even necessitate a paradigm shift. Oh no, not again. But I can't get away from a deep desire to be a more sensitive person, Christian. Is that masochistic? Well, maybe I am then.

So What Now? and WHY NOW!

2005-04-11T21:43:00.000-07:00

This has not been a good time for me to be exposed to suffering. I'M SUFFERING. I have 8 assignments and 11 days hmmmm (very tempted to say ?!%# the Sabbath). I don't have a job yet know I'm supposed to be in school next year (I believe in God's provision but would like some indication in the direction he expects from me this summer). My close friends are suffering. One has an internship in a town she loves and her family is struggling; one is dying of cancer and though the answer of why isn't coming, the pain of everyone's eyes is what makes it hardest for him to fight; one just lost her husband and because of his town status many are gossiping already of the possible unnatural causes; one is struggling in his faith and struggling to save his marriage with a wife who gave up long ago; one is trying to become married but the women God sends need therapy more than they need a husband, so he becomes their friend, stands strong with them and waits wondering if marriage will happen.

The book that I've come to love and trust says:

So let us keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision - you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it. Stick with me, friends. Keep track of those you see running this same course, headed for this same goal. There are many out there taking other paths, choosing other goals, and trying to get you to go along with them.

It is easy to say that "it will be better on the other side" when we are at our lowest. It is easy to say "someday we'll look back on this positively" when we want to forget our pains and sorrows. The reality is that our lives sometimes don't feel like what we set out for and sometimes the weight feels too heavy to bare.

My tears tonight will be real and and hard as I worry for my friends while fighting to stay afloat myself. The only thing getting me by tonight will be the words of Martin Smith from Delirious

"Find Me in the River"
Find me in the river, find me on my knees.
I've walked against the water now I'm begging if you please
We didn't count on suffering, we didn't count on pain
But if the blessing's in the valley, then in the river I will remain.

a small observation

2005-04-11T08:12:00.000-07:00

Wow, it must be crunch-time for everybody! Take heart! In a month, 2 at the most, it will be summer break and we'll all be able to think about whatever we feel like thinking about!

Personally, I plan on thinking about Spongebob....every weekday at 4. And crochet. Annnd.....well, that's probably about it.

Hurry up summer!!!
Paper, write yourself!!
Projects, project yourselves!!

Sigh. Back to work.

The update of a tired out, beat up, old traveler who has been restored by God

2005-03-31T21:29:00.000-08:00

Updating after a long pause in the blog scene. Lately I have been drained a lot, I have had a lot of work to do, and not nearly enough sleep. I have spent too much time on Msn, and not enough time in my studies, I suppose this is because it is easier to procrastinate then it is to do work, although the cloud of guilt looms over my head from time to time, and tries to convince me that because of my procrastination it is reason to get nothing done at all. And so this is something that has happened. With all the personal development I have been going through it has also tired me. But God has done a great work in my life, and has made me realize more of his glory, and shown me more of him on a day to day. I have started doing daily devotionals that have proved to be powerful and energizing for me (in the afternoons) I can't wait until I can implement them into my mornings (aka going to sleep on time is a key to this). At this point my body is really hurting, as Mel and Key know I took a nasty spill a couple months ago, and it has really worked it's way up to my neck and all through my back, if you guys could pray for me it would be appreciated. I have decided to not take pain killers at this time even though the pain is excruciating as it makes me docile and extremely tired (and I'm not so sure it would help too much at this point anyway). Well I believe that I can start the healing process right now...I'm going to bed.

Loving as Jesus Loved

2005-03-31T16:15:00.000-08:00

There have been many times in the last few weeks that I have been convicted to live as Jesus lived. My biggest struggle has been my attitude towards a class that all of us have to take. The teacher just doesn't seem to teach the way we want her to and then we develop bad attitudes about her and we start to say things that put down her character and make her look like a horrible person. I am guilty of doing this as well, but I am being convicted of it and I am trying to say nice things about her. Its not that she is a bad person or even a bad teacher cuz she takes what she does seriously and she is full of knowledge and ability and she puts her all into it. I think what has been happening is we are not respecting her, and she's not dumb, I'm sure she hear's the gossip that goes on around the school about her. I know that this class is not everyone's cup of tea but we aren't loving her the way we are supposed to. Our attitudes about that class are not right. I know that we make excuses for the way we talk (I'm busy, I don't like the way she teaches, I don't get the respect I want from her, etc.). I have made excuses previously in the past and really that doesn't make right the stuff I have said about her. I heard in a sermon once that has been really impacting me lately. This guy told us to think of the person that we dispise the most. Then he told us that we cannot love God more than we love that person. We are not capable of it. This reminds me of a scripture that I read in 1 John 4:20 "If anyone says, 'I love God,' yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen." This applies to this situation. How can we say we love God and worship God with everything we have if we do not love him with actions. Part of loving him with actions is respecting those around us and not speaking against them. God has called us to love others as Jesus loved them. He didn't always like what he was going through. He loved and forgave the people that hung him on the cross. This class isn't even half as bad as being hung on a cross. We need to step up our act towards this teacher. We need to act like Jesus would act. He wouldn't get mad at people for sharing their opinions or be rude to others or even speak against the teacher. He wouldn't demand respect before he gave it. He wouldn't gossip and slander her. He would love her. Love is always patient and kind. Clearly some of us have not even been patient or kind towards her. I know that none of us is perfect, but if we can't love a fellow sister in Christ, how do you expect to be able to love a non-Christian who upsets you or even, how can you love God? Remember, you can only love God as much as you love the person you like the least. Let us try and treat this teacher with respect. Maybe if we change our attitudes she will treat us with more respect. Let us try to love and Jesus loved.

The Leader of Today

2005-03-30T15:04:00.000-08:00

We are here for an education – aren’t we? Or are we here for something more? Is it all about a GPA or is it about a process of continual spiritual growth? So I guess the question is why are you here?

Time and time again this year I’ve butted heads with those who are upset when I say I don’t care about my grade point average. What matters to me is that I learn something new from each of my classes – something I have found I do not do very well when I am worried about how well I did in the class (if you can do both great – I can’t). Call me crazy but for me it has always been – “Don’t let your studies get in the way of your college education!” I’m not slamming effort; Jesus was ruthless with those who treated their call frivolously. I am just saying that we need to get to a point of kingdom focus over self focus.

Recently in chapel, Esther 4:16 was quoted as a key verse. “Go, assemble all the Jews who are found in Susa, and fast for me; do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maidens also will fast in the same way. And thus I will go in to the king, which is not according to the law; and if I perish, I perish.” I find it parallels my favourite verse Daniel 3:16-18 as in both cases people did their all but were willing to perish if it was God’s will. Esther was willing to stand up for her people NOW as it required her to, and Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego worked hard, yet when push came to shove they recognized who they truly worked for. “If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be know to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.”

I think we are called to service now. What does that mean? It means not taking lies when we are told to repeat them; it means recognizing who is responsible for our lives and education; it means that much of what we need to learn is not always on the test. Go out and work hard, yet be ready to do work not asked of you. Jesus spoke in the same manner of this subject only he spoke in terms of talents (Matthew 25:14-30, Luke 19:11-27). Each of us has been given talents and responsibility in response to where we are at and it is only by being obedient that we can move forth and learn more.

An interesting quote

2005-03-23T21:25:00.000-08:00

I found this quote in a couple textbooks actually-studying for a class project. Some of you might recognize it, but I'm not going to tell you where I found it for now.

What do you think of it? Is this relevant for us today? What about the LOVE of God? Would I worship God if He didn't love me??? Just some thoughts that come to mind as I read.

"O God! If I worship Thee in fear of Hell, burn me in Hell; and if I worship Thee in hope of Paradise, exclude me from Paradise; but if I worship Thee for Thine own sake, withold not Thine Everlasting Beauty."

~Laura

The Simple Things in Life

2005-03-17T13:14:00.000-08:00

Wow it is amazing how much I take for granted. Over the last few weeks I'm noticed how ungrateful I truely am with my friends, with what has been provided for me, and with how I've responded to opportunities afforded me.

In the last few days I've pulled off papers that should have taken weeks to do in hours. I know that since I'm tired I cannot claim full power on these, but at the same time I know because I've left much deep in my brain there is much available subconsciously at times like these. I have also noticed myself not being satisfied with either opportunities I did not prepare for or did not follow through with when the chance arrived.

What does this mean? Well I've been told by friends I'm alot more irritable. I've found that I want to bug and tease alot more which would show that I'm not satisfied. I want....I want....I want....I want....I want.... There are some legitimate fears. Fears of not being provided for in finances, love, health, being given a future.

So what do I do to over come? How does one just be satisfied, let stuff go, be content, be thankful? It is harder than it sounds and I find that trust isn't the answer, but heart surgery is. I need to break my heart in such a way that allows me to appreciate provision as a gift, see my weaknesses as a strength, accept when I screwup and the consequences that come with that, and be ready to leap at the chance of opportunity.

I know there is something to deal with and I'm happy that there is grace and mercy in this world, so that I don't have to be caught in the trappings, but can let go. I can get 8+ hours sleep, eat 3 square meals a day, work hard 6 days a week and take a day of rest to myself, but most of all know that there is nothing on this world greater than this moment to change and move forward.

When it rains it pours-but that's not necessarily bad

2005-03-15T08:49:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if I have a lot to say today. But I was just thinking about how much God's been dealing with me in the past week. So many things all at once.

*A person (maybe 2) I need to forgive.
*Things in my life that I need to let God be in control of.
*People I should be more sensitive to and respectful of differences.
*The body of Christ-I keep talking about it, but am I living it?
*That I need to be more supportive (or show my support more, rather) of my pastor and church leaders...they do SO need encouragement.
*That I need to be more involved in church.
*That I need to be more involved in worship (difficult as that may be given some circumstances right now).

God's still working on me. It's good to know, because it doesn't always feel like it. Why so many things all at once, though? I really don't know-maybe to get my mind off other things. At any rate, I'm glad for the opportunity for growth. Goodness knows I need it.

Life and the wood floor complex

2005-03-08T21:02:00.000-08:00

Why doesn't my life make sense? I lead a happy life, hold the door for...everyone and I do my homework...mostly. At the end of the day most anyone could attest that I am the guy that is happy. But is it enough? There is a certain hit I take for being a happy person, and I've grown to realize that it is the degree that I take things. The common pharse "Sweeping it under the carpet" is almost a metaphor for my life. I have done it so many times that I do it now without even noticing. I read that "Out of all the saddest words these are the saddest, 'What might have been.'" I look at these words and I feel an impression on my heart, one of pain like a trapped person trying to break free. My outside features are that of a happy, together, willing to serve guy, friendly to everyone. On the inside what I see to be blemishes and extreme insecurities: fear of abandonment; super shyness; streams of depression (more in the past); fear of expressing myself to others (which has been a road block when it comes to bringing friendship to a personal level); a lack of ability to cry (when I know I need the release but just can't seem to do it); and a doubt of myself (even though I know I can accomplish pretty much anything I dedicate my time to). So here I have layed out what seems to be my short-comings...or are they? Is it possible that deep underneath all of these, way deeper are actual situations that triggered them? Of course it is! But I have forgotten, why would I stick around five minutes to find out what the feeling feels like? The problem is that because I have ignored them for so long I have developed many layers to work through. I mentioned earlier about the "Carpet sweeping" idea, but I think that it is insufficient, it needs a little extra description. When my parents bought their house in Powell River there was carpet all over the place, and we decided to lift that carpet. To our surpirse we found there was linoleum under it, so we lifted the carpet. I see that not only is this sweeping job under the carpet, but it is also under the linoleum - semi-permanent. Although it is covered by carpet one thing we can know for certain is that this linoleum definately changes the texture of the floor and definately the hardwood underneath. So this is where I have come to a conclusion; I may be insecure and have a fear of abandonment, but are those permanent? Or is it like the linoleum that is only semi-permanent and seems permanent? So the next process I have begun in my life is to start ripping up of the linoleum. A messy job, a timely job and most of all a painful job. During the summer I did this in my house for three weeks, on only one room and it was all of the above. But here is the motivation, when the job is complete and the surface has been properly protected with sealer it will not only look beautiful and genuine but I will be able to sweep stuff right off the surface and into the garbage. In conclusion, I have opened a wound that is infected, but I now know what will disinfect it: discovery, and the healing power of God. If I seem a little more vulnerable then usual that is probably because I am. I have started this weary task and I can already tast the pain and I think that I only have the carpet mostly off...

Destined to Fall in Love

2005-03-03T10:48:00.000-08:00

I almost fear to fall in love. Everytime I do the walls just crumble around me. Maybe I expect too much, maybe I just act all wrong, or maybe my timing sucks. I don't know.

I've been falling in love since I was a little baby. My dad would take me for a walk and in the malls (especially on escalators) I'd see a pretty blonde (or at least she'd have awesome hair - I'm not sure I'd have a concept of pretty back then) and grab her hair. Dad would always be the victim of my crime, but for a moment I'd flirt with what I was good at - touch. This disease spilled over into kindergarten where I kissed my first girl - Tracey. She sat next to me on the taped circle and I remember thinking how lucky I was to have her as a friend - we kissed later as tweens just before she moved. I wonder where she is and how life was for her. In grade 2 I kissed another girl, Stacey, on the lips and this time we had a witness as a teacher walked in while we were experimenting. My first date was the summer before my grade 7 year - Tina and I were volunteers at a reading program and noone showed up this day so we hurled books and insults at each other until I had to leave because the girl to guy ratio was 3 to 1 (three of them and just me). That night she called me and asked me if I wanted to go to a show and we chose Spaceballs (the great classic film).

The first girl I seriously dated was in my 3rd year of University, Erin - she messed up my life (if it wasn't messed up before). She had high expectations of guys and I tried to be everyone of them. Many other things changed until I wasn't recognizable. Now we can't call her the anti-Christ because she got me to slow down on my drinking and stop doing drugs. When it was done I would know what a relationship felt like and would be cursed with the "knowledge of good and evil". That relationship ended 9 years ago this month.

A friend of mine one said - "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". I told him to leave the room before I threw him through the plate glass window in our living room. Friendship has never left me and I'm soooo greatful for my friends. God is amazing but just as when I was clowning around their was a hole in my heart for him, there is a hole in my heart craving a relationship. I am content. I love my family, my friends, God and the opportunities show my love to them, but every now and then - maybe its timing, maybe its just seeing a memory of a distance past, maybe its lust that I need to repent for - I hurt and I remember and I know that something else should be there that isn't.

hmmm...no interesting title here

2005-03-01T22:51:00.000-08:00

Wow, I really don't have a lot to write about. I am leading a boring life right now. I am at home for reading week. It has definately been an interesting week so far. I feel like I have no time for myself. Oh well, these things happen. Maybe tomorrow night I will be able to relax. I have been trying to spend more time thinking and spending time with God. It hasn't really worked too well. I am starting to realize that my family is somewhat disfunctional. It has been really hard to be at home. This is the place where there is so much oppression. I don't know what it is about here...it just seems to oppressive. I am having a hard time dealing with it though because I know that I am going to be living here over the summer. I really love me family but its like I can't seem to get away from the discouragement. I don't know what to do about it. I dunno...maybe things will change. I keep thinking it will but it always seems to be worse. Do I have too high of expectations of them?? I don't think I do. I mean all I do is ask for a little respect and some encouraging words. Is that too much to ask?? Do I need to defend myself and my calling all the time? I'm just frustrated I guess. I am told all the time that I shouldn't be in bible college becuase I never show interest in what I do and my marks don't show it and stuff like that. grrr! I feel like I can never do anything right. If I get B's it should have been A's. just that kind of thing. I try hard in school. I am frustrated that I can't seem to get above a 2.3 GPA. I just feel like giving up somedays. Oh well..life goes on.

Longing for Community part 2

2005-02-26T18:19:00.000-08:00

Oh wow. I've been playing my guitar this evening (for the first time in ages) and I found this song that was kind of our theme song for Youth In Mission 2002. I just wanted to share it.

In Jesus Name, words and music by Perry Moore

Let us sing together as the days move on,
Lifting each other as we go.
Let us live His holy kingdom here on earth,
Side by side, in one accord.

In the dark days we sing Hallelujah.
In the times of plenty we sing the same.
We are not alone! God has given us each other!
We sing together, in Jesus' name!

The wonderful memories flooding back bring tears to my eyes. So do the words of this song.

Talents

2005-02-25T11:50:00.000-08:00

I tell you, I have been so down-in-the-dumps lately...over some relationship stuff I won't go over here because I could go on all week about it.

So I've been sitting here eating soft peppermints (my mom bought a HUGE tub of them for Christmas, and they're everywhere), and knitting. And I do feel better because I LOVE those peppermints, and I love knitting. Well I love crochet, and I'm learning to love knitting.

Who needs boys when you have peppermints and happy yellow yarn?!-oh, that's another topic, sorry. =)

ANYWAY, I've been thinking, "Laura, God has really given you some wonderful talents. But what really brings you joy is making these things with your hands-creating things that you like and can use, and that (hopefully) others do, and can too." (I make a lot of gifts.)

If I decided to crochet (and knit, and maybe paint t-shirts ;) ) for the rest of my days, would that be a waste of my other talents? Would I be ignoring the other God-given things I could be using to bring glory to Him?

I want to praise God with my intelligence, and my studies, and what I can do with those things and the influence they bring. And I do enjoy learning (as opposed to studying, hehe). But I just don't find much joy or fulfillment in that. Besides, I find it too easy to become conceited when I do well academically, anyway.

So what if I gave all that up and started giving crochet lessons down at the local arts & crafts store? I certainly want to use any talents I have to praise God and point others to Him, but would it be wiser for me to spend more time on my lesser talents that make me happier or focus on what I'm just better at?

Too Busy to Remember?

2005-02-23T23:28:00.000-08:00

Ever notice how much guys just suck at communication? I have - I notice every time I go to talk to someone how handicapped I am for the job of just talking. I talk TOO much. In fact I've found listening to be a most excellent adventure as it eliminates the amount of stupidity that leaves my mouth. I’ve also found the adventure of hearing other people’s hearts as the words they know are placed before me. But straight up communication is the key to any relationship whether a guy friend a girlfriend or even yes God.

I truthfully am a burnout prayer. I only pray when I'm asked to pray for something otherwise I don’t pray unless I'm burned out on life. It seems to be the only time I allow myself to sit there and let the words of Yahweh minister to me. Often they are quite simple things like "I like you Jason and I've called you here just to spend time in my presence." It’s sad it has come to that because it’s like I've given God permission to trip me up in my busyness instead of just realizing I need time for Him. This is a cyclic disaster that I know must change.

My expectation for “I Am” is like that of Adam at the fall and is routinely baited into believing I do this without God. I take a God-like attitude in my life forcing me into pushing Jesus out and causing my walk to need to restart at each God encounter. I've heard it said "When you do what you always do, you get what you always get" and this must be what squashes my expectation. If I cannot get my priorities with Elohim right and keep my expectations high, how good of a friend am I with communicating with those who need me and expecting goodness for them. The routine of life lives me and I become robbed of time, stop thinking and expect very little of life and God and friends. I need a Sabbath living, God relationship, friend loving heart and then remember how to work efficiently...

Restraint please!

2005-02-21T16:08:00.000-08:00

K I'm enjoying the participation on the site, just getting concerned over the LENGTH of our messages. I'm doing it too so please don't all go pointing fingers or think I'm pointing a finger. Nice measure is under the preview option is if we can keep it to 1 page down.

In other words when we are reading your posted blog if we hit the page down 1 time we should be very close to the bottom of your message.... This way we can read and comment on everyone's message each day!

Thanks.

ps if everyone starts cutting back on their frequency of messages I'll rethink this...

Have you ever given the devil a time out?

2005-02-21T12:47:00.000-08:00

I think that a developing relationship with God involves not only learning to listen to God and talk to God and to act upon His words but it also involves learning to listen and respond to the devil and to learn how to talk to him with authority.

As part of my spiritual cleaning I have decided that I will not just sit back and allow the influences in my life to be devestating. As the Holy Spirit guides me in spiritual warfare against satan, part of it is as simple as laying down the rules. As a soldier in God's army I have been given his authority in the name Jesus Christ, and therefore all spirits and demons and the devil have to obey. "Pack up your bags and go satan, for you do not have any territory, you are weak and God is strong and it is with his authority that I call you out of my life. Bring with you all the luggage that you have spilled into my life with, take away all the emotions that you are trying to control in my life or influence."

Freedom is so great, we have been set free!!! But wait, it doesn't stop there, does it? We have not only been given an opportunity to be free but also to have a changed life that involves in the exclusion of the devil and his schemes and replaced with the love of Christ. Prayer is essential tool for this, I do not think that it is smart to go in battle before the devil, as we are weak, without first putting on the armor of God, and praying with God to lead you and for the spirit to come with you where you go.

With these tactics you will become a warrior of light, that shines into the darkest of places, the darkness incapable of escaping the light. It is there that you light a candle, so that you are not just spreading the authority of Christ into all aspects of your life but you are also setting up his authority where your walls are low and your ways are weak. The devil want's nothing more than to sneak in and hide under a carpet growing until the problem is overwhelming. But he cannot go where the light of God shines brightly.

So to be fully equipped for war it is important to hold tightly the sword of the spirit, and be fully suited with the rest of the godly armor on, learning the ways of the enemy, how he moves; how he acts; what his motives are; how he manifests; and how and where he hides. There is no greater victory for a warrior then to know his opponents next move and how to respond diligently to not only counter but to strike down any other possible attacks that may be up his sleeve. Know your enemy and more importantly know your God, know that: He is soverign; He will not leave you nor forsake you; He holds authority over all things in the universe (including you) and no one can stand up to His great and wonderous power; and know that he has passed all of this greatness into our hands (as a tool, he still holds the power recognize this isn't our power).

So if you ever feel like things are just way too hard and you keep falling and can't seem to get out of a funk then consider spiritual warfare. Like armies in the physical you have strength in numbers so have an acountability group, but put the devil in his place...in the dust.

Longing for Community

2005-02-21T09:50:00.000-08:00

I miss my community. We were about 10 different "body parts" who'd made a commitment to learning more about Christ and what it means to be His body, and a commitment to each other to provide a safe place for accountability and vulnerability. Oh we weren't perfect at it, nor did we have a lot of accountability in the group as a whole (but we each probably had one or two other individuals with whom we were).

It's been almost a year since I moved away. Other people moved too, and things have changed, and the group doesn't really exist anymore. I can't go back. But I want to go forward...I want to find community again.

I see my life and patterns of relationships as a big triangle. I'm the bottom-left corner, God is the top corner, and you are the bottom-right. I think a lot of people tend to minimize the importance of that horizontal relationship between self and others. Part of being made in the image of God, in my opinion, is that we need, desire, and somewhat define ourselves by our relationships-with God of course, AND with other people.

Further, I believe there's a connection between these relationships with others and this relationship with God. We relate to God together. Our relationships with other Christians should help us to glorify God, learn more about Him, worship Him together, lead still others to Him. We're different body parts-and we need to think about each other, care about each other, understand each other, encourage and help each other...so we can really work together and be effective as the body of Christ.

So, maybe it's not quite a regular triangle, but more like the bottom line points up to the top-as we relate to other Christians we relate to God together (think Star Trek logo!).

So, I’ve been looking for community again. And I'm thankful I'm beginning to have some success in finding it, although it's a slow process I know. But I've come across more than Christian one who either does not or cannot see how important that horizontal(ish) relationship is. It's like a "some assembly required" bicycle with all the parts strewn out on the floor, and they don't understand that you have to put the parts together to make something that works.

Why can't they relate to others? Or why won't they? Don't they know they're body parts...and they need the other parts just as much as they are needed themselves? I'm sad and brokenhearted about this today. I feel like a part of myself is missing as I've been trying to relate to these people, but without reciprocation.

Moments of reflextion

2005-02-18T12:49:00.000-08:00

Dear brain,
recently I have noticed that are there as a recording device. You know times in my life when I was happy, times when I was sad, times when I was in between. It is all recorded there in your book. When something happens that my heart does not desire I write it down in a separate volume and put it on the shelf to age and collect dust. These volumes however are incomplete, I have choosen for what-ever reason to neglect these areas and put on a straight face until the devistating time when say one or two of these volumes fall off the shelf bringing back heart wrenching memories. Is it at this time that I have to re-read the chapters of my life and present a plausible solution? I don't think that I have to do this so I can remove these volumes from the shelf, but I do think that I do have to re-visit and come to a place where although they are devistating memories they have no hold on me in the present. Also I don't just have to re-read them but I also have to go through it and finish writing in the pages, whether it means confronting a friend who hurt me, or thanking someone for their support.
My life is renewed in Christ, he has made me whole, and yet I have an emptyness inside of me. This emptyness is not because of the contents of my past because I have been saved by grace, but simply because I have refused to give it up to the Lord, or leave it at the alter without looking back. What is it like to trust someone else with the volumes of my life? And then I find out that he does not only want the books I've written in the past but he also wants a pen some fresh ink and a blank piece of paper to write the current and future biography of Jeremy Peterson.
So hopelessly I look back at despair, remember what my life has consisted of and walk down the rabbit holes of my plan. What is the hold up? Shouldn't I be more reasonable to trust a seasoned trail guide to get me to the opening of the forest? So many times I have seen him walking, guiding me and then I saw off to the side a great deer of my past pain, telling me that I'm no good, taunting me to let it effect me. And So I follow it, walking off of the trail and keeping my eyes on the deer that draws me deeper into the forest that I am unfamiliar with. When I realize what has happened I am so far away from the trail that there is only darkness around me. The deer is still taunting me and laughing at my gullibity to focus on the past instead of the future. The deer knows that the past can have an affect on my character and the actions I take in the future and so it continues to taunt me.
"The trail is nearer than you think," a gentle voice whispers. I look around but it seems that there isn't anyone close by, my eyes are still focused on the deer, my heart is there also. "The deer is not the problem," I hear the voice again, "let it go and follow me. She will only lead you deeper into this dangerous forest of despair." "Where are you? Who are you?" I cry, "show yourself." "You already have seen me before you turned and followed the deer, I tell you the truth, my yoke is easy and my burden is light, if you follow me I will lead you out of this dark forest, and break the curse the deer has on you. Lay down your burdens and I will carry them, give me your past for you will be forgiven, come to me and I will never leave you or forsake you," came His reply. "Do you really honor all these things you promise?" I asked. "Yes, follow me weary brother, I will take your pack and help you to walk, come and live in the present with me. I have tracked you like a lost lamb from my flock, come let us rejoice that you are found." I stopped, the deer was looking back at me, telling me to follow. But no she offered me no promises, I only followed out of fear, who was this man who offered me such peace? My heart became clear of the decision, "Trail master, I accept, I need you to help me, I want you to be the guide in my journey. Here take my pack, and my burdens, with your strength and knowledge we shall make it out of the dark forest of despair. Please forgive me of my past, and take my hand, I believe that when I travel down your road I will get to the clearing of the forest and walk in the light." At that moment it seemed like everything stopped, a light came down from the sky and it pierced my heart, and I felt a change from the inside out, my burdens were taken my past forgiven, and my heart was filled with peace. The whisper came again "Come with me." My eyes were opened and I saw the deer for the last time, walking among a deep forest with tangling vines and swamps all around me. I blinked and I was on the path again, there before me was the trail guide with his hand outreached to me, and he said "You are forgiven, now lay down everything and follow me." I was liberated! We weren't quite out of the forest yet but there was a light that surrounded us, and the deer couldn't even come near us. Even though we weren't out of the forest yet I somehow knew that we would make it through, and that with my trail master as my guide we would meet others who are following deers into their pasts, and we would meet them and direct them out of the swamps and strangling vines onto the path that leads to restoration and protection from the evil and dark forest of despair.
And so I close this book, hopefully completing a volume in my life allowing Christ to come in and fill it with the miracles and reminding me of the wonders that he has done in my life. Although I stumble, and I sometimes look back, I make mistakes and sometimes try to veer off the trail following a prize deer, my guide Christ is always there with me faithfully bringing me back on track helping me to complete my collection of books that make up my life. He has since restored their binding scotch guarded their pages and made concluding endings. He has brought me back to chapters that I once felt were so miniscule but now know it is part of what has made me strong, has contributed to my character, and that Christ has changed my attitude so I may share what he has done in my life, so they might believe and be restored as well.

Who's the psychiatrist him or I? Am I in the chair or is he?

2005-02-17T23:41:00.000-08:00

Dr. Jeremy, I have heard that term before, mostly by others but now it seems to be a voice inside of me that speaks it. How did I get this title? I guess it may have started with my desire to help people who are in need, although when this nic-name has been spoken it hasn't always been in the positive conotation. So where does my battle lie? Do this mean that no matter what I do I'm not good enough? For sure I have thought about that. And then I think, well if they have that opinion then maybe it is their problem, maybe I am the sane one, I mean I do desire order, don't I?

My practice has continued over the years, contless numbers of people asking questions, and I have hoped that I am giving them the realistic heart felt answers that they need. But what is my opinion? I care for all these people, but yet I hadn't a clue why it was hard for me. I was their silent help, they came to me in trouble for reasons I don't know why, through highschool, at work, even my friends.
I have always had an attitude that thing that is most inspiring to me is inspiring others, but I have felt unfulfilled, empty and almost dead. Why was it that after the clouds cleared in other people's lives I felt like I was left at a stand still? I felt that all these peoples lives were advancing and they were leaving me in the dust. As I searched deep within myself to find the answer to this question the regular attack came, "Where's my help? Whose going to notice me? Doesn't anyone actually know who I am? You don't have answers for these people, this all about you!" Break free of me oh evil words, when has discouraging words like these ever been right?
I have been pursevering and have found some answers to my questions that plague me, it may not be that I am doing the wrong thing, just that I have been looking at it wrong. All the people that I have ever helped or counciled or encouraged have all come to me, they have taken the initiative, and have sought out the help that they saw fit, if not they would not come back. What was I doing? I was isolating myself from the world that I saught comfort from, I was curled (and still do) into the fetal position trying to ignore my problems and the lies that loomed over me. What was different is that where my "patients" have been humble, let it all out and have trusted me, I have not been humble, I let none of it out for fear of being exposed or for fear of not being accepted and I have trusted no one.
What is my problem? Why am I different? Why don't I trust? Why do I believe the lies that say I am not delivered? I think I will go back to where I was talking about helping other people and yet not being fulfilled. It wasn't that I didn't care about them, I love them, so we see that it isn't my heart that is in wrong motive. But wait a minute, why am I helping these people anyway? Is it because I care about them? Definately, but my wanting to help them connects to the word fix, and that doesn't really mix with my personality. My problem was my hidden attitude, it wasn't a prejudice, or that I thought these people were failures, stupid, unmovable or rejects, it was that I felt they needed to be fixed and this is where I have failed myself (hopefully to realize this point) that I have a gift to help people, but it is not because they need to be fixed but rather that they are seeking comfort, they don't necessarily need me to do all the work in their lives that's why they have God. My feelings of inadequecy are centered upon my life of work. I have submitted my life to serving others (the road less travelled), I have tried to keep a positive attitude through it the whole time, and that hasn't always been easy although I got out alive, but I faced a deeper depression then anyone that vented with me at the end of the day, I felt that I was made and was required to do these things, almost as if the world would fall apart without my council.
Another part of my self-synopsis is that I too have felt that I need to be fixed, that I lie around broken, and need fixing, but these are all lies, the turth is that I have been made into a new creation by God, which means that he has restored any organs, my brain, my feelings, and through this transition has changed who I am. But I do still lay around, indulging in the lies of my own wholeness. So when I have these feelings of needing to be fixed what can I derive from it? If I look at my past I would bring forward many times that I have been hurt, abandoned, disappointed, let down, lied to, abused, throttled, questioned, taken for granted, forgotten, bullied, rough housed, judged, pranked, laughed at and emotionally beaten. As I think of all these times it is as if each time was broken into little pieces, in my heart and this is because I have let it slide and called off investigation, therefore these pieces have been left under the carpet and in the back of the truck still waiting to be uncovered. But what authority does my past have on my life? None, Christ has authority on my life and Christ alone. So really when it comes down to it, it isn't about the past having a hold on me, it is about me believing the lies of the enemy and me being blinded to the truth of the authority of the cross.
So in conclusion I would like to say, in the name of Jesus I bind my life, and put it at the cross. I will sacrifice all that I am to spread your holy name. And when I fall you will be near, my voice you hear and come. I will declare that I am not broken, the change in me is done. And through the cross no evil stand, nor man not bow down, because I was giving eternal life and on my head was put his crown. So when I am decieved and don't believe I'm lost in the middle of the ocean. It will spark my mind and make me glad that Christ is still in motion.

I will hold true to God, and the Lord will save me from my despair, and the lies I've tunnled myself into. So brothers and sisters, the thing I ask is that you will pray for me, to break free from darkness, because doubt in a feable mind can cause destruction to the whole mind.
So as I wounder about this ordeal of who is in the chair, I turn to God and ask him and find he was always there!

Are the Angels Shaking their Heads Yet?

2005-02-17T12:42:00.000-08:00

The Bible says "Make a joyful noise unto the Lord" (Psalm 98:4) but today I heard sounds that must even stretch the ears of heaven. People with no gift of singing being led by a rookie choir leader and trying to sing the Hallelujah Chorus. Please note the key there was trying and it was - on the ears, funny bone, and ankle (I got kicked for laughing too hard).

I've always wondered how God responds when we "try" as did the choir today. The Angels, they've got to be thinking incrediously yet again "God you chose them over us!?!" and Jesus we know is laughing Himself silly at the right hand of God because He spent time as one of us and understands the concept of "trying". But God what does he think?

[I guess I've chosen a theological discussion here and we could argue the nature of God, but I will stay with what I've read in the Bible and stay true to the character throughout the Old Testiment and continued into the New.]

The highest power on this planet and universe, created the stars in the sky, and gave us breath (and honestly could take it away if he felt we were being blaphemous in our attempt). This is the Alpha and Omega who someday will bring judgement, but today is looking for who will be obedient as they go through the struggles of life. So what did God see today? I think God saw us as a parent watching His kids running and playing and running to and fro. Unlike the insecure parent who runs out and corrects how they play, He sits back and watches with a tear in His eye knowing "I created that! Thank you for being obedient choir, thank you for worshipping Me!"

How deep the Father's love for us

2005-02-16T07:45:00.000-08:00

Well, I finally figured out how to post, but I just accidentally erased the whole thing. Attempt #2:

I've been thinking a lot about Lent lately, and about the significance of Jesus' life and death on the cross and resurrection...which is, I guess, what you're supposed to think about during Lent. You fast from some item/activity/specific food in order to help you think about the sacrifices God was willing to make for you. It's more of a catholic tradition, which is why I'm not exactly an expert on it. But I like it, and participate nonetheless.

I'm singing in church this Sunday, and I found this great song that I find appropriate for the Lenten season. But every time I listen to it, I remember the question asked of my religion-major friends back in college. "Why did Jesus die on the cross?" And the answer the professors were looking for was, "Because we put him there."

So the hamster jumps on his wheel and starts running, and I wonder....what is the purpose/significance of the cross? Did Jesus come to earth with the express purpose of dying on the cross as a sacrifice for our sins? Or did he come to earth to show us how to live, how to love? And was the cross more of a consequence or response to the controversy caused?-because you know he stirred people up when he blew all their expectations (dare I say assumptions?) and understandings of what the Messiah's coming would look like.

Anyway, I certainly don't know. And I'm not even sure I have an official opinion about it either. I'm curious to know what some of you are learning, coming from a different theological perspective than mine.

But what about that song? Will I sing it? Yes. It really is beautiful, and will hopefully remind those who hear it of God's awesome love for them-despite my questions about its theological implications. Besides, I don't have time to learn a new one before Sunday anyway! =)

How deep the Father's love for us! How vast beyond all measure, that He should give His only Son to make a wretch His treasure. How great the pain of searing loss! The Father turns His face away as wounds which mar the chosen one bring many sons to glory.
Behold the man upon a cross, my sin upon His shoulder. Ashamed I hear my mocking voice call out among the scoffers. It was my sin that held Him there until it was accomplished. His dying breath has brought me life. I know that it is finished.
I will not boast in anything, no gifts, no power, no wisdom. But I will boast in Jesus Christ-His death and resurrection. Why should I gain from His reward? I cannot give an answer. But this I know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom!

~Laura

God works in the midst of confusion

2005-02-13T15:23:00.000-08:00

Well, this week I have learned so much. I have had a lot of stuff on my mind and a lot of confusion about my feelings for a boy and stuff was really getting to me. I prayed about it and through the help of a couple of my friends, and God of course, I came to the conclusion that I have not been focusing on God and I need to focus on Him more than I focus on this boy. I have also learned to trust Him in every situation and that I need to give everything to Him or else life is gonna feel like its falling apart. As the last days have been happening and I am slowly getting my emotions in control and I am letting God take control I feel at peace. Things are not better but I don't feel like a mess of chaotic emotions which is good. I don't feel quite so tense anymore and I have been able to sleep. Its amazing what big of a difference it makes when you let God take control.

How Obedient Do I Have to Be?

2005-02-11T12:30:00.000-08:00

It is the same ol' struggle - I give but do I give enough? Since I'm asking the question I often think the answer is no I don't give enough. I have a car which I do not drive, I am paid money and have been blessed financially LOTS, and I am not married (to my dismay) so I have a higher disposable income.

Then there is the practical thing - I can't back pay for past tithes due to grace (grace is an ugly thing that way), I'm only responsible for the decisions and requests God makes of me NOW, and my stewardship like my relationship with God is a gradual thing with sections of backsliding and starting over. I can't give enough to get me out of sin - Jesus did that on the cross, yet I can give because Jesus died on the cross and because I see a need and God wants me to be obedient to His word, commandments and the Holy Spirit proddings.

So we come full circle - while listening to God and doing what I should, do I give enough? I've heard the time argument (time=money) and I think it is crap and a cop out. I'm covered by grace, yet still feel burdened to give which to me is a good thing when I remember and do. So I guess I'll never give enough, yet when I give generously (more than I naturally would want to give) I'll be honouring the kingdom of God and improving my relationship and understanding of Christ. Its hard and I hope for better understanding of this....

Why Did God Make Dorks?

2005-02-10T01:04:00.000-08:00

The more I know the more I feel stupider because I realize how little I actually know. It started when I met God and he let me ask the questions I had. Only, when God would respond it would spur like 20 more questions and not concrete answers that left me at peace. So I stopped asking questions about life, the world and such.

Recently I started praying deep into God's word and looking at my sins, my desires, my past, and my future. I feel frustrated that there is no instant fact that will make it all alright, and as often as we try in Sunday school Jesus isn't always the answer that brings peace. Luke 12:51-53 shows this too clearly!

"Do you suppose that I came to grant peace on earth? I tell you, no, but rather division; for from now on five members in one household will be divided, three against two and two against three. they will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law." (NASB)

So knowledge is folly, yet here I am at Bible school chasing it and chasing a dream and chasing woman - yes a woman (who woulda though???). Oh well, as I take 1 step forward I take 3 back and continue toward the prize.... I think?!?

2005-02-09T23:43:00.000-08:00

I'd just like to say thanks for inviting me to yet another blog....k seriously I have 5 of them and I am having a hard time keeping up with them all....oh well, life goes on....gonna make this one short....a little about myself I guess. I am a Christian and have been for 15 years. I go to bible college and I am training to be a youth worker. I have a passion for youth and it breaks my heart to see them hurting. Um, I am a hopeless romantic...although I am still single...boo...oh well. I love Jesus and that's all that matters...see ya!

Girls/Guys Is there a difference?

2004-11-28T19:17:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine was mentoring a highschool girl when she became aware of behaviours within a young male that were causing missed feelings within the girl. Her first response was to go and tell this male case of testosterone to stop doing what he was doing.

Call me nutts but I don't think this is right. Like I believe in guy and girl friendships - without them we'd never understand communication in dating, marriage and everyday life. What I am saying here is that there are areas of influence where I don't think guys should be helping girls, nor girls guys with. I'm very big on accountability and being accountable to same sex friends so that they can prod deeper within for issues of embarassment, shame, and sin.

We can have our spouses and significant others to remind us when we are straying from a goal or ideal, but really accountablity from a same sex friend is so important in our lives.